I have some things to get off my chest today.
Dear Fed-Ex,
I know you had my parcel on your van for delivery today because I’m tracking it on your website. Did you try to deliver it when I was out? Because if you did, a card through the door with a number that I can call to re-arrange a delivery at a time that might be slightly convenient for me rather than me just having to stay in for the next three days on the off-chance that you might turn up would be nice. Do you know what it’s like being forced to stay in with two small children?
Dear the girl,
If you don’t stop alternatively totally blanking me or tutting at me then you are going to be spending a LOT of time in your bedroom. You’re 4, not 14. There’ll be plenty of time for that sort of behaviour when you’re older.
Dear the boy,
When I put you down for your day-time nap I do not expect to come up to you an hour later to find you standing at the end of your cot, with your pyjama trousers off, having turned your light on. You’re never going to get to sleep like that are you?
(while I think about it, Dear the husband,
Is there anyway we can move the boy’s cot so he can’t reach his light switch? I think probably not but you have much better spatial awareness than me.)
Dear lady in the “extra big for parents to take their children in to get changed” cubicle at the swimming pool,
It’s a cubicle for getting changed in with small children, not a waiting room. Go and wait for your friend somewhere else.
Dear Rude Health,
Thank you so much for your quick and helpful response to my somewhat tetchy email to you about saying something is “no nuts” when it’s not “no nuts” because of potential contamination issues that you yourself highlight on the back of the packaging. In small letters. And thank you for letting me know that you’re going to change your front label to read “no nut recipe”. Domino’s Australia could learn a lot from you. I can’t eat your muesli because of the boy but I will recommend you to all and sundry. Can I just say as well, you are going to irritate quite a few people with the autoplaying video on your home page. Give people a choice about whether or not they will watch it.
Dear Fruit Flake People,
I’ll deal with you when you’ve responded to my letter, but it had better be good as I’m mightily unimpressed at the moment.
Dear Mr Sainsbury,
Thank you for having your security cameras and their screens set up in such a way that my daughter can stand in front of a television and see herself in it. You’ll never know how many “near the end of the big weekly shop” tantrums you’ve stopped.
I think that’s all for now. Thanks for listening.

















